"Apologies Bring Power"

Before I start, let me state for the record that I love my mother.  She taught me many valuable things and was a great example to me in many ways.  I learned a lot from her, both from what she did well and sometimes from what she did not so well.  This article is about one of the latter.

It was not uncommon in our house to have my mom ask in an accusing tone of voice, "What have you done with my purse?" Invariably, we kids would respond with, "We haven't done anything with your purse (or glasses, or TV remote, etc).  We haven't seen or touched it." She would generally accuse us of fibbing, tell us our joke wasn't funny, etc.  Then, without fail, moments to hours later, she would find said item and exclaim, "Oh, here it is!  I remember putting it there now."   And we would wait for an apology that never came.

This is, of course, a minor example.  Had it happened only a couple of times, it would have been easily forgotten.  Sadly, it seemed par for the course.  I noticed that my mom had a terribly difficult time apologizing for anything, no matter how large or small the error, especially to her family members, even when she was clearly in the wrong.  It caused me serious reflection as an adult and sadly, as a child and teenager, created distance between us. 

I think I understand my mother better now after years of reflection and why this was so hard for her.  That could be an entirely different article.  Suffice it to say, it wasn't out of lack of love for us but rather a great deal of insecurity on her part.  Somehow, in her mind, to apologize meant to admit failure as a human being. 

One of the lamest expressions circulating on the planet is the maxim, "To love someone means never having to say you're sorry."  What nut job came up with that?!?  There's only One person who never actually had to apologize to anyone for bad behavior but the rest of us are human in every erring way!  I think the actual expression should be, "To love someone means be willing to say (and mean) you're sorry."

I'm sure my kids could write their own article about my husband and I and some of the things they have learned from our "not so well" parenting moments.  One thing we tried to do however, was to apologize when we didn't handle something as well as we could or should have.  We would make a distinction between what they did wrong (for which they suffered a consequence regardless) and how we may have handled it.  If we raised our voice or demeaned them in any way, we owned it and apologized. Period.  There was no, "I'm sorry I yelled but if you hadn't...." etc.  No justifying of our own bad behavior.  We aren't perfect parents and never claimed to be.  I hoped that by apologizing my kids could see that it was important to hold yourself accountable and that apologizing can go a long way to restoring peace and increasing love and connection between the parties involved.

My youngest learned this lesson in a profoundly personal way that she recounted to us in a recent email from her mission.  I share her story with her permission.  (I have also edited it somewhat.)

 "Picture this: it is a bright and beautiful day outside in ... Florida and I wake up bright and bushy tailed as usual, when all of the sudden I get WHACKED by Satan and all of his malicious lies ... I quickly swing back and forth from self-pity, to sorrow, to anger, and to a whole host of other unpleasant emotions. The morning is ruined. I pray and pour out my heart to Heavenly Father all day, pleading to fix this strange occurrence and to receive the Spirit back into my heart. I receive no response all day, UNTIL it's about 45 minutes until a lesson with an investigator and we plan on committing this said (investigator) to baptism, so I know I need the Spirit back in (my) heart by then, I send up another prayer, when BAM!!! I receive an answer.

 "Apologize to Heavenly Father, to yourself, and to Sister Blanchard." 

"Slightly confused and also unwilling to let go of my pride, I pray again, asking for aid. Again, I receive the same answer: apologize to Heavenly Father, to yourself, and to Sister Blanchard. I receive this same answer, quietly to my heart, another three times. Finally, I act upon the answer. (After apologizing to God and my own spirit...)... I swallow my pride and say to Sister Blanchard, "Sister Blanchard, I haven't had the Spirit with me today, and I'm sorry." To which Sister Blanchard replies, "That's okay; it happens to everyone." 

"IMMEDIATELY the Spirit returns, and joy, peace, and love fill my heart. About a half hour later, the investigator mentioned above agrees to be baptized. Jubilee is felt in every heart, and we go away rejoicing.

“ ...later that night as I was praying, I pondered that experience and wondered why it even happened. I had never felt so close to a conniption and an emotional break-down, at the same time, in my entire life! But as I prayed, the Lord brought to my remembrance the prayer I had said the night before; I had asked to learn the lessons the Lord wanted me to learn that day. The Lord told me, "You asked to learn what I wanted you to learn. This is what I wanted you to learn and now to remember: apologies bring power."

“I know that this is true. Am I perfect at it? Absolutely not. Will I become better with practice? Absolutely I will. If you feel you are distant from God, I would invite you to ponder if you may need to draw upon the power of apologizing. Apologize to those you may have hurt, to yourself, and most importantly, to your Father in Heaven. He doesn't need your apology; He needs you to feel the peace that comes from your apology. God wants to bless you; He loves you. I know that if you act on the first thought that has come into your mind about an apology, you will feel at peace. But only if you act. It might be hard. It was and still is for me, but it will get easier. I promise that if you go and sincerely apologize, today, you will know that Elder Uchtdorf was right when he stated: "Sincerely apologizing is not a sign of weakness, but of strength."

I couldn’t agree more with my daughter and Elder Uchtdorf. 

I was eating at Jimmy John’s sub shop one day and on the wall was a plaque that said:

“Proper Apologies Have Three Parts

1.   What I did was wrong.

2.   I feel badly that I hurt you.

3.  How can I make this better?”

Wow.  Wisdom on a sub shop wall.  That’s cause it’s not that complicated, folks.  It might not be easy to do but it is simple.

If I could add my own addendum to the above it would be what a proper apology IS NOT.

This is taken from an excellent blog article on 12 fake apologies.

An apology IS NOT:

"I am sorry if . . .”

This is a conditional apology. It falls short of a full apology by suggesting only that something might have happened.

Examples:
• I am sorry if I did anything wrong
• I am sorry if you were offended

“I am sorry that you . . .”

This is a blame-shifting apology. It is no apology at all. Rather, it puts the onus on you as the problem.

Examples:
• I am sorry you felt hurt
• I am sorry you think I did something wrong
• I am sorry you feel I am so bad

“I am sorry but . . .”

This excuse-making apology does nothing to heal the wounds caused.

Examples:
• I am sorry, but most other people wouldn’t have overreacted like you did
• I am sorry, but other people thought it was funny
• I am sorry, but you started it
• I am sorry, but I couldn’t help it
• I am sorry, but there was truth to what I said
• I am sorry but, you can’t expect perfection

“I was just . . .”

This is a justifying apology. It seeks to argue that hurtful behavior was okay because it was harmless or for a good cause.

Examples:
• I was just kidding
• I was just trying to help
• I was only trying to calm you down
• I was trying to get you see the other side
• I was just playing devil’s advocate

“I have already . . .”

This deja-vu apology cheapens whatever is said by implying that there is nothing left to apologize for.

Examples:
• I already said I was sorry
• I have apologized for that a million times

“I regret . . .”

This sidestepping apology equates regret with apologizing. There is no ownership.

Examples:
• I regret you felt upset
• I regret that mistakes were made

I know I . . .”

This whitewashing apology is an effort to minimize what happened without owning any hurtful effects on you or others. The whitewash may seem self-effacing but on its own it contains no apology.

Examples:
• I know I shouldn’t have done that
• I know I probably should have asked you first
• I know I can sometimes be a bull in a china shop

“You know I . . .”

This nothing-to-apologize-for apology tries to talk you out of your feelings or imply that you shouldn’t be upset.

Examples:
• You know I am sorry
• You know I didn’t mean that
• You know I would never hurt you

“I will apologize if . . .”

This pay-to-play apology is not a clean, freely offered apology. Rather, you have to pay to get it.

Examples:
• I will only apologize if you apologize
• I will apologize if you agree never to bring it up again
• I will say I am sorry if you will just stop talking about it

“I guess I . . .”

This is a phantom apology. It hints at the need for an apology, but never gives one.

Examples:
• I guess I owe you an apology
• I guess I should say I am sorry

“X told me to apologize . . .”

This is a not-my-apology apology. The person is saying he or she is apologizing only because someone else suggested it. The implication is that it would have never happened otherwise.

Examples:
• Your mother told me to come apologize to you
• My friend said I should tell you I was sorry

“Fine! I’m sorry, okay!”

This is a bullying apology. Either in words or tone you are given a grudging “I’m sorry” but it doesn’t feel like an apology. It may even feel like a threat.

Examples:
• Okay, enough already, I am sorry for heaven sakes
• Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?

"Faux apologies such as these 12 seek to avoid responsibility, make excuses, shift blame, downplay what was done, invalidate or confuse the hurt or offended person, or move on prematurely.

"An authentic apology starts with listening. If you seek to apologize, you first need to hear what happened from the other person’s point of view and how it affected them.

"As therapist and author Harriet Lerner wrote in the Psychotherapy Networker, “No apology will have meaning if we haven’t listened carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain. More than anything, the hurt party needs to know that we really ‘get it,’ that our empathy and remorse are genuine, that their feelings make sense, that we will carry some of the pain we’ve caused, and that we will do our best to make sure there’s no repeat performance.”

"People issue faux apologies for several reasons. They may not believe they did anything wrong or just want to keep the peace. They may feel embarrassed and want to avoid the feelings. They may feel shame about their actions but feel unable or unwilling to confront their shame.

“People who consistently fail to apologize may lack empathy or have low self-esteem or a personality disorder. As Lerner wrote, “Some people stand on a small, rickety platform of self-worth. They’re unable to own up to the hurt they’ve caused because doing so threatens to flip them into an identity of worthlessness and shame. The non-apologizer walks on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem.”

It's not easy to see the weakness in ourselves that causes harm to others.  Satan would have us “cover our sins” and deceive ourselves but there is no power in this.  We are on earth to suffer the “growing pains” of mortality that we might more fully empathize with our fellow man and become more like our Savior.  We will hurt and we will be hurt by others.  That is part of the plan. It seems to me that the key is humility…not to be confused with humiliation that Satan would have us feel.  If we know we are weak and fallen, we will appeal to the Lord for strength and the courage to face our own shortcomings and receive the grace we need to overcome.  If we are seeking “the interest of our neighbor” as we have been commanded to do, apologizing WILL be part of our mortal experience.  If it isn’t, that should be a red flag.

Finally, if I have offended anyone by this post, all I can do is sincerely proclaim, "I'm sorry but...." 😉